Trannys, Wiggers, Vacuums, and the Fuzz

For two weeks I worked as a Kirby Vacuum canvasser and salesman.


I tried to sell the Kirby Sentria.

Needless to say, it didn't work out, I ended up quitting after 2 weeks for a whole ton of different reasons. But the experience was something I defiantly document.

My first and second of "training" they kept you in the dark about exactly what you were doing and what your wages would be. The third day they finally told us that we would be selling Kirby's door to door and the next half the group was gone.

Also on my third day, a TRANNY stole my wallet. His/Her name was Tina, he/she was older, and looked anorexic. You might be asking yourself, "How do you know she/he was a tranny? It could have been a really ugly older lady.."

Let me put it this way, the predominant Adam's apple and a bulge in his/her pants told me.

Anyway, I know it was her/him, because after thoughtful consideration of the situation, and examination of the facts surrounding the issue, it couldn't have been anyone else. The shitty part of it was that my manager and everyone else didn't care at all! It was fucking ridiculous! They insisted that we were all a "family" and we need to "look out for each-other" but only 2 people helped me look around for it and such.

The forth day we all drove to Denver, I was supposed to "shadow" Cynthia, a kind black lady who called me "Boo". Unfortunately, the leader of the group decided to just throw me into a house.

I sold it. It was to a very attractive Mexican maid who's niece who was there visiting taught me how to say, "Wolverines are awesome" in Spanish.

"Glotones son impresionantes!"

Unfortunately, she didn't have ANY credit and the financing company who works with the Kirby company declined her. To a Kirby salesperson, this is called "DNLing."

Directly after that, I was shoved into another house, and I spent 2 hours in there, and sold that one too. It DNLed as well. Plus I didn't get home until 1:30 AM.

The daily schedule was as such:

Be there are 8:00.
Morning meetings and prep. until 11:30 pm.
Gas up and get lunch.
Drive to suburban location and attempt to sell.
Stop knocking on doors at 9:00 PM.
Get back to "base" at 10:00-11:00 PM depending on if someone got in just before 9.
Drive home.
Get back to Lin's at 12:00-1:00 PM.

I did this for two weeks.

So to shorten this blog post, I will recount the events by the days they happened.


DAY 4:
I begin canvassing. (knocking on doors) I am screamed at by an older woman who was making spaghetti sauce for dinner, who had it in her hand when she answered the door, and who decided to throw the scalding hot substance at me for being so rude as to knock on her door.
I suffer minor burns to my right forearm.


DAY 5:
I decide that the main professional canvasser in my van is a whiny emo Mexican boner, who is both rude, untactful, and has a face full of metal with a gay-ass hair cut. These are all accurate adjectives to describe this douche.

DAY 6:
I am kicked out of the house by and very angry, butch but petite, lady. She had a cat named Lego.

DAY 7:
I do 3 demos for 3 houses. The first kicked me out in the first 20 minutes because "I was talking to damn long." The second booted me, "because the neighbors invited us over for carrot cake and we HAVE to go RIGHT NOW!"
The third absolutely reeked of pot and the lady I was doing the demo for was obviously high as a satellite. Needless to say there were no sales.

DAY 8:
A wigger steals my MP3 player. For those of you who don't know what a "wigger" is, I have taken a definition from Urban dictionary to help you.

Wigger: A pejorative term for a Caucasian adolescent ("white" person) who mimics the language, dress and mannerisms of black ghetto kids.

This picture depicts wiggerism at it's worst.

DAY 9 - 12:
Completely uneventful, no sales. Although at this point I had memorized the horrid and obnoxious "Kirby Song" which we all had to sing every day.

Hail hail the gang's all here
Gonna sell the kirby
Yes we sell the kirby

Hail hail the gang's all here
Gonna sell the kirby now

Hey!

Kirby will shine tonight,
Kirby will shine

Kirby will shine tonight, all down the line,

Kirby will shine tonight,
Kirby won't that be fine,

Sun goes down, moon goes up,
Kirby will shine.

Hey hey hey hey hey heyyyyy!

I got that kirby kirby spirit up in my head
Up in my, up in my head

I got that kirby kirby spirit up in my head
Up in my head to stay

I got that kirby kirby spirit down in my feet
Down in my feet, down in my feet

I got that kirby kirby spirit down in my feet
Down in my feet to stay

I got that kirby kirby spirit deep in my heart
Deep in my heart, deep in my heart

I got that kirby kirby spirit deep in my heart
Deep in my heart to stay

I got that kirby kirby spirit all over me
All over me, all over me

I got that kirby kirby spirit all over me
All over me to stay

I got that kirby kirby spirit up in my head
Down in my feet, deep in my heart

I got that kirby kirby spirit all over me
all over me to stay!

CUZ WE ARE?
POSITIVE!
WHAT DO WE NEED?
SALES!
WHEN?
NOW!
WHY?
MONEY!

The thing that pissed me off the most of this, that this song is a rip off of like 4 old songs that most people don't know about. It's pretty stupid.

DAY 14:
We decide to go to a small town near the outskirts of Colorado Springs. We hit about 10 houses, one of which possessed qualities similar to Buffalo Bill's from Silence of the Lambs. As we stop to get gas at a tiny gas station. We are surrounded by several cop cars. The previously mentioned emo boner starts freaking out saying that he has a warrant out for his arrest and is worried that he will be carted off to jail. Amused, I make some comment about how even jails have frequent cases of.... ahem, unwanted physical "attention," and he gets even more emotional. (insert evil and satisfied laughter in my mind here) A very pissed off looking female trooper comes up and asks for all of our licenses and looks irritated when I don't have mine and explain that it was stolen. Another trooper comes up the other side and opens the sliding doors. I try to look innocent and friendly as our team leader explains what were doing.
The officers tell us that we have to get a daily permit from the courthouse of the town every day that we want to try and sell in this town. Then they tell the wigger (the one that stole my MP3 player) in the back seat that HE has a warrant out for HIS arrest and explain they are too "lazy" (yes they said lazy) to arrest him and take him to Denver, so he should fix the issue for he meets a cop who is not lazy.

I end up going to the tiny malt shop across the street from the gas station, getting a small malt, and I must say, that is one of the best malts I've had in a long, long time even though I ate it too fast and got sick.

DAY 15:
I contract a 101 degree temperature, I still go to work. My new phone I got for my birthday breaks when a fat girl on our team sits on it.

DAY 16:
I still have a 101 degree temperature and as I was doing a demo I become violently ill, run to her bathroom, and hurl all over the nice lady's wall I was doing the demo for. I frantically try to clean the wall before she decided to see what was taking me so long.
Later, when we stopped to get gas, I hurled all over the toilet in the gas station. Tired and weak, I simply left and hoped that a janitor would find it before a customer did.

DAY 17:
Still possessing a fever of 100, I go to work again.
After leaving a set of town houses after getting the boot, I sit on a curb waiting for my team to pick me up. A group of children around 10-12 wander up to me, they start talking to me, bugging me, and mocking me. A lanky black kid begins kicking me in the shins as a pig-faced fat kid tries the steal my equipment. A small girl spits at me as I begin swearing and taking swipes at them. The pig faced kid (who looked remarkable like Chunk from the Goonies) pipes up, "YOU'RE FAT!"
I am appalled. "You're fatter!" I yell back at him. He looks shocked. (because he knows it to be true the fat little bastard)
Another child starts throwing rocks at me from afar.
At this point I feel my ass being grabbed and whip around, and see a short boy who has a resemblance of Spanky from the Little Rascals, grabbing at my ass.
I shove him away and start shouting "Stop it! Stop it! Fucking KNOCK IT OFF!!"
At this point my shins are bruised, my arms are scratched by one of the children who got a hold of my arm, my ass is violated, my patience is gone, the back of my head throbbing from a very well thrown rock, and my feelings are VERY hurt from being called fat by an obese child.
Right at the point that I start spewing a few select swear-spattered strings of insults, my van pulls up. I throw the Kirby in the van and dive in yelling, "You'll get your payback some day you little assholes!!"


DAY 18:
Late at night (9 PMish) I get thrown last minute into a townhouse. The couple is young, the man is in the army, the woman in a VERY low cut top that I find extremely distracting for the duration for the entire experience.
I do the demo like normal and then I get to the part about the "indestructible" hose, he says, "Can I try to break it?" I say, "Of course" because this happens and it's always been fine.
I go to the bathroom while he plays with it. I come out. It's broken. I'm thinking "how the hell?" He apologizes, and I try to continue my demo. She keeps asking him what he wants for dinner. They get into an all out fight/verbal brawl. Meanwhile I'm still trying to do my demo.
I'm wanting to do the mattress test, which is where you vacuum the edge of someone's mattress with the Kirby in "hand-held mode."
Turns out they don't have a bed and they sleep on the couch. I try to do it on there, but I can't make my point. Then he goes in the other room and grabs his guitar and comes back in an plays while I'm trying to do my demo. He BLOWS at the guitar. I think to myself this going to be a bad night, I'm not going to make the sale (mainly because he broke the indestructible hose) and then he asks me if I play. I say yes, and he insisted that I play something for him. I play the intro to "Thunderstruck" by ACDC and they just stare. (little do they know it's REALLY EASY)
Then I go back to trying to sell the damn Kirby. She gets pissy again about "what the hell they're going to have for dinner." Then goes and puts a pizza in the microwave. They continue fighting, with me trying to calm them down when the pizza is done. The pizza comes out, then all hell breaks lose. She goes INSANE about how he doesn't appreciate her and blah blah blah. Then she cuts up the pizza, and THROWS a big piece at him. He ducks and it hit the wall in a shower of hot sauce.
She chucks another piece at him, it hits me. I yell in pain as it burns my shoulder.

This is when my team leader comes in.

He is shocked and then he calls in the emo boner, and the other guy I like to think of as "The Bald Headed Young Salesman with Johnny Depp-Like Charisma." They look shocked as well both at the splatter of sauce on the wall and myself, and the broken hose.
The BHYSWJDLC decides to dive into a mini-demo, and shows them a few things as I decide that I'm starving and eat the pizza covering my arm. I burn my mouth on it and mutter, "It burns us!!" Everyone starts laughing at me. This phrase becomes the phrase my team will use to torment me until I quit.

We end up selling the Kirby in that house, but then they didn't make any payments so it was repo-ed.

After a few more days of this carnival of bullshit, lies, and me getting repeatedly burned with various tomato sauces. I quit.

Although I didn't give you ALL the details, I did give you the shining highlights. All I can say is, DON'T TRY THIS.

To sum it up, I made not a dime for all my work, I no longer have my wallet and MP3 player, and I felt so sick and exhausted by the end, I was pulled over by a cop (see previous blog post) who thought I was drunk and got a court order.

Don't get me wrong, if I had $2,700 to spend on a Kirby I would get one, as they are the best on the market.
I also learned that Dysons are horrid machines, I would recommend a cheap-ass Eureka over a Dyson any day.

Hope you enjoyed and were saddened by my stories, as I was.


Laurel